my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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