my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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