I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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