I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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