I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
