there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
