He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
