Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
