the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
