i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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