Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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