you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
