Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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