I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
