If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
