Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
