how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
