my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My ATM looks so different sober.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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