I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
