the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
