I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
