I cannot find my penis.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
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at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
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Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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