someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The beer is more important than you right now.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
