I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
