I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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