party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
