maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
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I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.