I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
