Jerry, you need to find god
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
