She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
