He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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