why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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