i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
