so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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