My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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