I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
