he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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