My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
