Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I want a musical about memes.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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