How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
