I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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