I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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