That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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