dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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