I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
