why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
