ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
