If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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