my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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