My first STD was from a foam party
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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