just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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