I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
