you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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