I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
