Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
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