We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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